I feel like everyone assumes I feel confident in my ability to have babies... I mean this is our 5th. It'll be our 4th Homebirth, and 2nd unassisted and hopefully 2nd waterbirth. Instead of an actual birthing pool we've opted for a small kiddie pool. I really would've loved to have the pool I had here but thanks to someone else's little ones it met it's end last summer.
I guess what I'm most anxious about is keeping my cool the entire time. Is that even possible? After reading this post by Mama Birth over at MamaEve I'm not sure it's has to be. It got me thinking how guilty I've felt that I can't seem to control myself. I lose it right at the end, I panic and think the baby will never come out, it'll be stuck and so I push like crazy to get the whole thing over with. I tore the last time because of this and I've felt it was my fault for not easing the head out.
Hubby has said, "Hon we talked about this before and you were on board." Yes but when it comes down to that time and it's happening I really can't guarantee anything really. I was very proud of my efforts up until the end. I moaned and breathed the baby down like I'd read before hand. I could tell the intensity was rising when my volume would rise and towards the end was pretty much yelling.
I can't say we have a plan, my husband's aunt who's a registered nurse and also like my mother in law, will be on call. This time I almost really want to go it alone, maybe that's the reason I freak out. When other people are around I feel like I'm performing almost or that I will fail if I don't do things right. I don't even have time to feel what should be done because I'm too worried about them. Each birth I can say something really annoyed me making the laboring experience hectic...
The first in the hospital we called everyone we knew telling them it was go time, that my water had broke and we were headed to the hospital. In our ignorance we were so happy and didn't realize what a bad decision that'd be. Everyone showed up at the hospital and waited with us. We had my hubby's mom, aunt (2nd mom), sister, brother in law, grandma, aunt, step father, it was really like a dang zoo but we didn't know any better and toughed it out. My mom was there too eating skittles, mind you I was not allowed to eat, I'd been induced with pitocin then given stadol ruining my plan of an all natural birth. I'm so happy and know we were blessed the situation didn't turn into a c-section like so many induced labors do.
The second we researched up on pitocin, hospital procedures and opted to bring birth home. I found a midwife and wanted a water birth but couldn't afford the pool and didn't think it's work in an apartment. I laid on my back again but was annoyed that hubby and the midwife in training that came along were cracking jokes and not giving me their undivided support. I had my biggest baby to date 10lbs but it was amazing after it was all done.
The third (my hardest) was at home with the same midwife and started all wrong from the beginning. I experienced intense back labor and it lasted quite a bit longer than before which really worried me. Once he was born we saw why things were so difficult, the baby was posterior or face up and had a huge chance of getting stuck in the birth canal.
The fourth we figured we could do this alone plus financially some things had changed with the midwife so about half way through we opted to do it alone DIY style. I think I felt so at ease with everything because I'd done so much research beforehand.
So now you'd think I'd feel at ease about doing this again.... I am and I'm not. I am because I know up until that critical point I'll breath correctly, I'll move and walk around, I'll let my body do what it was built to do. I'm not because I have the feeling the baby maybe sunny side up again or breech. I still believe birth is something you should be able to handle but we/re a culture that has totally lost touch with the process. Pregnant moms almost have only doctors to rely on for the information we seek, doctors and TV.
Can I really expect or hope for a painfree labor? You may think I'm weird but watching birthing stories on youtube calms me in the later weeks. Watching and learning the process gets me ready for what to expect and what to do. It also seems that all the painfree labors happen in water. I can't say my waterbirth was pain free but it def was manageable. They say to use words like surges instead of contractions, intense instead of pain or hurt but that crap hurts. It's not called the ring of fire for nothing. I've been praying for peace, patience with myself and confidence that I'll get it done the right way this time. If I feel like pushing I'm gonna push, I'll try my best to ease and let up a bit for the head but I really can't make any promises.
I can't wait to share my 5th birth story, I didn't mean to turn this into the birth history of Home-Mom.